


On this River, in this House, with this Family, we Wept

by The Wicked Symphony (SymphonyWizard)



Series: Of Shields and Widow’s Bites [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 02:05:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18790819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SymphonyWizard/pseuds/The%20Wicked%20Symphony
Summary: I changed the title. A direct followup to A Dance, A Stone, and a Peanut Butter Sandwich.Natasha is back where she belongs, but she can't help thinking about what she's lost.





	On this River, in this House, with this Family, we Wept

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chocomint8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocomint8/gifts), [Faith2nyc](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faith2nyc/gifts), [J_33](https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_33/gifts), [FlaurelxEzriaxStydia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlaurelxEzriaxStydia/gifts).



_“Let me go,” Natasha implored.  “It’s okay.”_

She remembers the look in Clint’s eyes.  She remembers the beseeching tears in his eyes as he held on to her wrist in that vice grip.  They both had families to lose.  They both had at least one child that they would have left behind.  Clint might have spent the last five years reducing criminals to rivers of blood, but Natasha spent _decades_ spilling blood.  Many of them didn’t deserve it.  Clint never set a hospital on fire.

When she closes her eyes, she can still remember the feeling of falling.  She remembers the thoughts that swam through her mind as she took what she knew to be her final plunge.  Her thoughts were full of nothing but the faces of her husband and son.

She opens her eyes with a gasp as she remembers the impact of landing on the ground.  She’s alive now, but she remembers the feeling of her body shattering.

She’s not sure what she expected, but she certainly never thought she would be brought back from the dead.  That was the rule—a soul for a soul.  So she guesses that means that by returning the accursed stone, Steve was _given back_ a soul.

She was overjoyed to come back.  Right when she came back, she was immediately greeted by the people she had come to call family.  Seeing Sam and Bucky made her heart flip.  After five years, she was only too happy to let them hug her.  She is sure she hugged them harder.  Bucky even squealed at her, telling her that she was crushing him.

Bruce gave her such a bear hug (or Hulk hug?) that she was certain that her bones would have shattered all over again.  He’s still as dorky as ever, but she is happy for him that he managed to get his Hulk persona under control.  She remembered him complaining that he would never be able to have a family.  She encouraged him to not give up on Betty.  Betty sure as hell wasn’t giving up on him. 

Betty was a victim of the Snap, so perhaps that was part of the reason Bruce withdrew from everyone.  He gave himself some sort of self-induced exile until he could figure out what to do about the Hulk.  She hasn’t asked him yet, but she does wonder if he has reached out to Betty since the reverse Snap. 

The Snap.  In the wake of Natasha’s joy over being back where she belonged, she was unprepared for the news of Tony’s sacrifice.

When she came back, the first thing she noticed was the Avengers complex, or what was left of it.  The place was a smoldering mess of rubble with half of it submerged in the Hudson River.  That place had been her home longer than any place had.  Well, longer than any place that she _chose_ to call home.  She still wonders if it’s any use trying to find any of her belongings that might have survived the wreckage. 

She also noticed Bruce’s mangled arm.  He survived using the gauntlet to reverse the Snap, but it sure did injure him.  That much power isn’t even worth it if your very survival is in jeopardy, in Natasha’s opinion. 

True to Steve’s word, most of the world had been trying to find a way to move on after the Snap.  Now that all who disappeared five years ago are back, what does that mean?  It frightens Natasha how much chaos there will be in the following months.  And all who might have been in a vehicle at the time, especially a plane or a boat, assuming everyone reappears in the exact spot they disappeared, there’s still going to be a death toll. 

The Avengers are going to get backlash all over again. 

This time they won’t have the help of Tony’s charisma to negotiate with people like Thaddeus Ross.  Natasha never thought she would hate a man the way she hated the former Secretary of State.  The way he threatened her, the way he threatened her family, her _son_ , she’s done awful things to more or less awful people, but the things she wanted to do to Secretary Ross? 

Had she an opportunity to get her hands on him, there would have been pieces of him in every state.  But after several minutes of seething, her brain caught up with her.  She’s killed high-ranking people before, but even if she is sure she would have gotten away with it, she knows better than to kill a member of the United States government. 

Tony is dead.  Tony Stark is _dead._   To say that that cuts her deep would be an understatement.  She knew that man longer than any of the Avengers.  She knew him from Natalie Rushman.  Truth be told, she hated him when she first met him.  She let him flirt with her as he did with just about every woman (she will admit that it was exhilarating shooting one of his blasters) but she always felt like she had to take a long shower afterwards. 

Still, she saw potential beyond his stifling narcissism.  Somehow, over the years, they became friends.  In some ways, he felt like a brother to her.  He was that older, annoying, arrogant, intelligent brother of hers.  She remembers his face when he found out that she was in fact much older than him.  She is old enough to be his mother. 

She was there for him and Pepper when they were expecting Morgan.  Tony went through so many emotions; it was hard to tell exactly how he was feeling. One minute he could be scared out of his mind, another he could be over the moon.  Well, he’s literally been past the moon and back.  Through it all, Pepper named her Morgan’s godmother. 

Steve wasn’t anywhere to be found.  He was also on some sort of yearlong self-induced exile to deal with his grief.  She had no idea where he was.  Even if he was home, she is sure that Tony still would’ve named Rhodey Morgan’s godfather.  Rhodey is _Tony’s_ oldest friend. 

She helped Tony and Pepper a lot while Morgan was a baby.  She was a colicky baby, more so than Clint’s sons combined and they were _very_ colicky.  James was a pretty quiet baby.  Pepper used to joke that it’s all because of Tony’s talkativeness that Morgan was so colicky. 

Now as Natasha stands on the dock outside Tony’s secluded house, staring out into the water, all she can feel is sorrow.  Every happy memory she has made with Tony feels very sour.  Only days ago, they held a funeral for Tony.  When she asked why she wasn’t included in the memorial, Steve said that he wanted to save a memorial service for her for an even more private setting. 

She thinks that he was simply holding off her funeral until after he returned the stones in case he couldn’t bring her back. 

When she came back, she hoped to see Clint and his family.  He must be so angry with her and she wouldn’t blame him.

She hears footsteps behind her.  By the delicate sound of them, she had a good guess of who it is. 

“You and Tony picked a wonderful place, Pepper,” she says quietly.  “It’s quiet, peaceful, scenic…I don’t what better place there is to raise that girl of yours.”  She laughs in spite of herself.  “I can’t help thinking that James would be three years older than her if he didn’t…” a lump forms in her throat.  Five years and she can never form the words _turn to dust_. 

“Thanks, Nat,” says Pepper coming to stand beside Natasha.  “You know Tony did consider building a new house in Malibu.  He even thought of staying in our home in New York City.  After Morgan was born, he fell so in love with that girl.  I’ve never seen Tony so happy.  He wanted to raise her away from the public.”

Natasha feels her cheeks lift in a small smile.  “I don’t know which I’d prefer.  I’ve talked to Steve about buying a farmhouse somewhere Midwest, but I see this house and…it’s just so peaceful.  Steve’s imagination would run wild in place like this.”  Steve hasn’t painted or sketched anything in five years.  Maybe that might change.  She prays that that will change.

Her smile widens.  “I remember your exact words when you first met me and Tony was ogling me.”

Pepper smiles too.  “A very expensive sexual harassment lawsuit,” they recite together.  “Knowing what I know now, I think the only expenses would’ve been for damaged body parts.”

Natasha groans.  “Aw, I could eviscerate him without even touching him.”

“I would’ve paid to see that,” says Pepper. 

Natasha inhales and exhales with a shudder.  “Pepper, I’m so, so…”

Pepper closes her eyes and holds up a hand, stopping her.  “If you apologize for being alive when Tony isn’t, I swear Natasha Rogers I will beat the hell out of you.”  She opens her eyes again and Natasha can see the pain in her eyes.  “I’m proud of the time I had with Tony.  I never thought I’d see him as happy as he was when he was with Morgan.  There were many times I wish that he had asked me to marry him, but eventually he did and I had the best five years of my life, in spite of everything.  I wouldn’t change any of that for one second. 

“ _You_ are alive now, Natasha.  _You_ finally have a chance to actually settle down somewhere and just raise a family.  _You_ have an amazing husband and a beautiful son.  _You_ have waited longer than any woman should to have a family.  You finally have a family and not just one that you were invited into.  You are surrounded by people, including me, who love you.  So don’t you dare stand on my property, or anywhere, and apologize for being alive.”

Tears glisten in Natasha’s eyes.  Without warning, she embraces her friend.  Pepper hugs her right back. 

“Mommy, Uncle Clint’s here!” says Morgan. 

Pepper breaks away from Natasha and they both see the little girl as she bounds toward them.  Pepper bends down and lifts her daughter onto her hip with a groan.  “Oh, Morgan, you’re getting heavy.  That’s it; no more juice pops for you.”

Morgan’s eyes widen out of her skull.  “But Mommy…”

Natasha doesn’t pay much attention as she turns her gaze towards the house.  She finds herself frozen in place, unable to move.  She soon sees Clint’s family.  She sees her godchildren first.  Cooper and Lila are carrying coolers and they are soon followed by their mother and father.  Clint has little Nate riding on his shoulders. 

Laura runs up to Natasha and she has little time to react before her friend wraps her arms around her.  Natasha returns the hug.

”I guess it’s been a long time, Natasha,” says Laura, crying.

”You have no idea, farm girl,” says Natasha through her tears.

Laura breaks away eventually and studies her.  “I love what you did with your hair.”

Natasha touches her blonde streaks self-consciously.  She’s always changing her hair and she missed the blonde hair she had when she was on the run all those years ago.  She’s never tried streaks before.  She likes how it turned out.  

Natasha locks eyes with her best friend.  She can tell he is overjoyed to see her.  She can also see the hurt and anger that she is sure she deserves.  Clint is the first to break their eye contact as he turns around and Natasha’s heart stops as she follows his gaze.

No, her heart doesn’t stop.  It _beats_ with a power that she thought she would never feel again. 

She sees her husband and she can see her joy mirrored in his face.  He meets her eyes and one of his most dazzling smiles spreads across his face.  As much as she loves that smile, she can’t take her eyes off of what’s in his arms.  A mop of red hair, green eyes, a Black Widow shirt and toddler-sized Converses with shields on them…

“James?” her voice manages.  She detached herself from Laura and feels herself slowly walking towards Steve.  She can feel everyone beaming as Steve carefully sets their son on the ground. 

“It’s okay, buddy, go to your mother,” encourages Steve, planting a big kiss on James’s little forehead.  James turns around and Natasha sinks to her knees so that she is level with him.

“Come to Mommy,” she whispers through her tears as she holds her arms out. 

Slowly, James starts waddling towards her.  “Mamma,” he says. 

Natasha nods numbly.  “That’s right, James.  It’s your momma.”

Soon James reaches her and he wraps his small arms around her neck.  She lifts him off the ground as she wraps her arms around him.  She stays like that for a minute, just soaking in the feel of her baby boy in her arms.

“ _If only you knew how much I missed you_ ,” she whispered to her son in Russian as she plants a kiss on his forehead.  She feels Steve’s presence and she looks up at her husband.  Supporting her son with one arm, she grabs Steve by the collar and yanks him down to meet her lips. 

She can feel his initial surprise, but then she feels his arms wrapping around her and James.  She loves this feeling, how she has missed this feeling.  Eventually, they separate and Natasha sees everyone still staring at them.

She sees her best friend again. 

“You’re a real pain in my butt, you know that?” he says.

“I’m sorry, Clint,” Natasha apologizes and she can’t mean it enough.  A small part of her wonder what would have happened if she had went to Vormir with Steve instead of Clint.  Either way, she couldn’t live with herself if she let her best friend, or her husband die.  Bottom line is that the Soul Stone just isn’t worth it.  Nothing should come at such high a price. 

“I’m sure,” says Clint.  Natasha sets down her son as her best friend comes up to hug her.  “You ever do that to me again, _my children_ will kill you.”

Natasha just hugs him back without a word.  She’s crying too hard to form any more words.    

“Mommy, why is Auntie Nat crying?” asks Morgan.

“Because she loves her family three thousand,” replies Pepper.

She really has no idea.   

**Author's Note:**

> It’s safe for me to say that following stories that pick up after Endgame will be exploring the trauma sustained by what’s left of the Avengers, especially Steve, Natasha, and Clint.


End file.
